REACTIVEradio

Today was going to be a great day. It’s Saturday so I get to sleep in – well it’s not like I wouldn’t sleep in during the week being that I have no job and all, but today I can sleep in and not feel guilty about doing so. My plan was flawless; I had everything planned out. I would wake up to the smell of fresh pizza and the sound of the birds chirping just on the other side of my window. I would go to my great-aunt’s 70th and great-uncle’s 90th mega-combo-birthday celebration for dinner while being re-introduced to family members who faintly remembered my being born, while I attempt to come up with yet another exit strategy before they figure out that I have no idea who they are. I would then come home, perhaps slightly tipsy if things went well, and start reviewing one of the 4 albums currently sitting in my “To listen to” folder while I marvel at how much I love getting to hear new music every day.

Well, 3 out of 4 ain’t bad, right?

I did wake up to the smell of pepperoni and the sound of some feather breasted, blue warbler something something. I did go to the birthday party, and as suspected, I was meeting person after person again and again for the first time. And I did come home (albeit sans-alcohol; I was in more of a slurpee mood today) and started reviewing one of the 4 albums in my “To listen to” folder.

“Well then Justin, where praytell is the problem,” I can hear you squawking at your computer monitor, as if I could somehow hear you through the internet. The problem lies in the album that I selected as my first so-called pleasure. Jay Tholen’s debut album “Hidden Moon Jungle.” While I don’t want to come right out and say “it ruined my day,” it’s brought it down significantly.

As many of you return readers know, I love music. You know that I like melodies with heart; rhythms with soul. You know I like it when an artist takes a chance and pours his (or her) heart out, and you know I like it when that same artist holds back; perhaps letting the listener fill in some of the blanks. To sum it up: I like music that has feeling. I don’t think that this is necessarily a bad thing – I like being able to immerse myself in a song, imagining what the writer must have experienced to inspire the sounds emanating from my speaker. I like being able to relate to what’s being sung, even if it’s only tangentially, and even if it only means anything to me.

You also know, if you’ve read my previous reviews, that I think music created with video game sound emulators are the most ridiculous and gimmicky type of trash one can produce without literally banging two saucepans together for an hour. In a cave. With a backup band of blenders and tea kettles.

This is why I cannot, in good faith, give this record even one star out of five. The opening track (“Hidden Moon River”) starts off with a pleasant water running sound, which at first actually gave me a little hope that I could have two amazing reviews in a row. I realized how wrong I was when a mere 14 seconds later, something that I can only describe as a synthesizer in the middle of a seizure destroys any chance of a good impression by syncopating itself completely at random.

Against my better judgement, I decided to forge ahead in the hopes that this was just some weird, glitchy problem with the mp3 (hey, maybe it was corrupted in the download or something, right?) Of course, after the other lead synthesizer starts playing while the stuttering in the background continues, I am certain that it was, in fact, intentional and that no bits had been mangled in the process of the download.

Oh dear.

I still had faith that this was possibly a black-sheep track on an otherwise decent disc when the singing started. Off key at least half of the time, I’m still trying to decide if this was on purpose or not. The rest of HMJ has been a joke so far, perhaps this was another of its punchlines.

After subjecting myself to all I could take of the opener, I randomly selected track 7 (“Underpass”) praying that track 1 was just some sort of experiment. More of a constructed soundscape than a song, the birds chirping reminded me of getting out of bed this morning; still unsure if that was such a smart idea. I can only hope that Mr. Tholen actually put some of himself into this song as the last song is still affecting me enough in a negative way that I can’t concentrate.

No sooner do I start almost warming up to the possibility that I might actually enjoy the rest of this CD, when track 8 starts up and starts assaulting my ears again – this time for the last time. It starts out nearly identically, but by now, I’ve become wise to his tricks. I am instantly put on the defensive when the final blow is delivered: the 8-bit, Nintendo-sounding emulator synthesizer starts up – and the music stops.

I’ve had it.

I’m done. While I would actually consider purchasing Underpass as a standalone song or single, there is no way that it could ever make up for the lack of insight or creativeness that the rest of the CD excretes minute after minute. I am in awe of “musicians” who think it’s hip or trendy or cool or whatever other positive adjective they can come up with to use one of myriad emulators which serve absolutely no purpose except to provide audio software programmers an excuse to be lazy. I am by no means a programmer myself, but I’ve spent enough time with people who are and they all laugh at the numerous coders who think they’re being original, and the users who think they’re being different.

As a final note, I’d like to remind everyone who reads this article that I am a single person with a certain taste. I am by no means trying to dissuade anyone from supporting whichever artists they choose to support. I am merely attempting to provide information to people who wouldn’t otherwise have access to it. I do not proclaim to be anything but individual; I make my own opinions. You should too.

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