You’re under arrest for reincarnating without a permit.

Today marks one of the most awesome days I’ve ever had the fortune of experiencing.  No, I didn’t win the lottery.  No, the Jets aren’t finally coming home to Winnipeg.  No, we haven’t even found a planet with new life on it.  Why then, is this day so amazing?  Because MSNBC is reporting that China has outlawed Tibetan monks from reincarnating without permission.

If you have not begun either laughing (or crying) uncontrollably, I suggest you re-read the previous sentence again.  I’ll wait for you.



Ok, well I’m not waiting that long for you.  I still have no alarm clock, so my sleep is still all messed up, which in turn has diminished my patience to that of an army colonel with a bad case of hemmorhoids.


Anyways China, in all of it’s totalitarian glory, has decided that Tibetan monks no longer have the right to reincarnate after they die.  While I might agree that China (and by proxy, Tibet) has something of a population control problem on their hands, telling someone that they’re not allowed to come back as a humpback whale is rather mean, don’t you think?  What if John Q. Chinaman wants to be reborn as a desk lamp?  Who the hell are they to tell him he’s not allowed to brighten the lives (no pun intended) of his owners?

The linked article says the reasoning behind the law is to prevent the Dalai Lama from being reborn.  I understand he is currently in the process of planning said rebirth out (he’s 79 years old, you know), which then makes me wonder what in the goddamned fuck that project plan must look like.

  1. Die.
  2. Soul surf to Barb Smith’s uterus
  3. Tell current resident to GET THE FUCK OUT just in time for close up vagina viewing
  4. BIRTH.
  5. Continue down the path of the divine
  6. 2 years of silence to better understand one’s self
  7. Obtain bifocals that went out of date before the previous rebirth [I mean seriously, his glasses look like he pulled them out of the unwanted pile at the homeless shelter]

Anyways, back to what I was talking about before I got distracted.  They say it’s to prevent the Dalai Lama from reincarnating, but I guarantee you that there’s some guy in the Chinese government who is scared to death that one of the 32 slaves he owns to cut his 9 toenails will die of malnutrition, only to come back as some useless fucking piece of plastic that wouldn’t be considered a “toy” by any dictionary definition (save for the fact that it’s red and blue) that is then choked on by his son.  

I commend China for wanting to institute such drastic steps to ensure national safety.  People might argue that the rivers of sewage should take precedence.  Or maybe people believe that China should be looking at ways to decrease the smog that on some days is so thick that satellites can’t see through it, althoughmaybe this is part of their national defense strategy, so who knows.  All I can say is that the sooner we stop those damn Buddhists from throwing caution to the wind and coming back as my car tire the better.

The last thing I need is for to finally remember to buy an alarm clock, only to find out it’s some pissed off Chinese dude with insomnia.

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